Tonight is another anxious one. It’s crazy to think that it’s gotten this bad. That I am so unstable and that anything can trigger my mind to wander to terrible, awful places. If I could crawl into a ball and cry all the time, I would. I am afraid of the world. I am afraid of what I do not know. I’m just afraid. And my fears scare me so badly that I find myself unable to be myself sometimes. I find myself unable to communicate effectively and have fun because I’m terrified. My fears are taking over. Any problems I’ve ever had in the past seem so small and irrelevant. What I’m going through right now is scary. I am a jack in the box ready to come loose. And no one. Not even I. Know when. When you’re growing up no one ever tells you how to deal with yourself. How to quiet your own mind and how to stop being a bully to YOURSELF. No one teaches you how to hold on when you feel like you’re falling. No one teaches you that you have the ability to be your worst enemy ..and also your best friend. That no one can truly heal yourself ..but you. No one tells you that you can be afraid of things that may seem irrational to other people. But to you it’s so serious and you can’t even understand why no one else gets it. When I’m feeling anxious I give in. I give in because I feel like there’s no way out. But there IS a way out and it starts with me. It starts with me acknowledging that I have things to work on. It starts with me taking the initiative to work on my self growth even if it feels like I’m down the well and there’s no way up. There’s always a way out.
I’ve always been the kind of person who is afraid. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid of looking “stupid” to others. I am afraid of things I do not know. I am also afraid of what I do know. And it’s a cycle of constant worry and anxiety.
I am going through a difficult time right now. And my will is being tried like never before. I had the opportunity to interview at a graduate school today and for the longest time I didn’t know if I would take it or not. I interviewed at a school before this. I felt it went so well and I really put myself out there, and then it ended up not working out. They didn’t reject me or even wait list me, rather they wanted me to have a class that I did not have and couldn’t make a decision. And that was that. Schools can basically do whatever they want. So when this new interview opportunity came about I got excited…and then I realized that I am afraid. I didn’t want to go through the feeling of being excited only to get crushed in the end. I didn’t want to have that feeling that I am not good enough and wonder why things work out for other people and not for me. I didn’t know if I could mentally or frankly, physically, handle this. You might be reading this and can relate to my feelings or you may think, seriously? Is your pride really all that important? And that’s the thing. That’s just part of the issue.
I have a fear of putting myself so far out there, getting my hopes up, putting my time into something, and then have it be for nothing. I know I know, it wasn’t for nothing. Everything in life is a lesson. I will learn from any failure and I WILL overcome this. But what about my feelings. What about those? How can I be positive about the future when it’s all so unclear? I’m working on this in my personal life. I want to be a stronger person. I want to be more confident in my abilities. I feel that one day I can and will get there.
I’m sorry that this wasn’t inspirational or motivational. I just want to be as real as I can on my blog. If there’s one takeaway from this maybe it could be that your feelings are ALWAYS valid. While it is important to try and find the good in all, It is also unrealistic to think that one can find the sun if it’s dark outside. Let yourself feel.
Until next time,
My title may be a little misleading. Fear is most definitely a real thing. What I mean by this title is that fear is all in your head. Fear is something your brain makes up. If fear wasn’t there, life would go on, and that thing you were scared of would still exist. Fear doesn’t really do much, from my experience. They say that being a little nervous for situations is a good thing- but I don’t know if I believe that. I am afraid a lot. I’m afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of what I do know. I am trying to fear a little less and live a little more. Fear doesn’t do anything for me. Fear makes me upset and keeps me up at night worrying about the “what ifs.” What is fear but an obstacle in your way? Maybe you have to move it over a little so you can get by for now. Maybe eventually you’ll be able to push it completely off the track, until it’s a mere memory….
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Firstly, one has to think about what bad news is. Your definition of bad could be completely different from my definition of bad. What if you wanted that job really bad and didn’t get it? That’s bad news to me! What if you applied to your dream school and didn’t get accepted…what if you didn’t get accepted anywhere? What if you found out someone you love has a disease that may lead to some dark days and many unknowns. I want to know how you guys deal with bad news. I tend to get upset because I am an emotional person, but I’m looking to take bad news and try to see it in a different light. Maybe..you didn’t get that job because you were meant to get another job. Maybe you didn’t get into that school, because you were meant to get into another school. Maybe the path that you plan on taking isn’t the right path for you. And lastly, maybe this disease can teach you and your loved ones, and bring you all closer together. Whatever the bad news may be, can you find any light in it? I think that’s what helps people get through tough times. It’s that glimmer of hope for a new future and that slight anxiety in your stomach of not having a new plan, but realizing you don’t need one. That maybe you’ll just take life as it comes and live in the moment for once.
Thanks for reading,
The sun will shine again. I love this saying because it’s true. If there’s anything you ever doubt in life, don’t let it be this. If there are ever hard times you’re going through, please don’t ever believe that it ends like that. I created this blog to share my thoughts about positivity, negativity, anxiety, fear, and everything in between. As human beings we learn through experiences. These days there’s a whole lot of negativity and social pressure from others to be who we are not. I believe the path to a great life starts with us. It starts with us being accountable for our actions, it starts with us taking steps to be comfortable with who we are, it starts with us being confident in our abilities no matter what happens or what people say, it starts with having the will to go after a dream no matter how far fetched it sounds. It starts with us, it starts with YOU. Thanks for reading and remember… if it’s raining, whether it’s over your town, over your state, or just over you, the sun will shine again.
Thanks for reading,